One tired mama.

It’s the last working day of the week and my weekend will officially begin in 2 hours. I am sooo looking forward to weekend. Not because I will get to rest or sleep longer (Asa pa!). Mainly because I am looking forward to accomplishing a couple of tasks I need to do and finalizing party details of Baby S.

I haven’t been feeling well for the last 3 days, with this nasty cold and annoying sore throat I could sense I will be down with a flu in the next couple of days. But a mama needs to attend to the baby 24/7, do household chores, run errands, works full-time in the office, so getting ill is not an option! I thought after getting back from our 2-week holiday I will be well-rested, fully recharged and active. Boy I was wrong! We were exhausted EVERY single day while touring Europe. Based from my phone app, I walked an average of 16,000 steps every day for 15 consecutive days! There was one particular night in Paris when we arrived at our flat I couldn’t move my legs and they were all shaking when I tried to put them up. Apparently, I did 23,000+ steps that day. Edi Wow!

I want to blog about our recent trip and share stories of our adventures (and misadventures) in Europe. One example is when I almost got pickpocketed in Paris. Or the time when we personally saw someone getting robbed in the streets of Brussels. So many things happened to us. There were some minor mishaps but overall it was a very pleasant and interesting trip. For one, it was our first trip without our baby so you could imagine the sepanx (separation anxiety)! To be honest, I did cry a little when I kissed my baby goodbye before we left. I know we will only be away for 2 weeks, but still. It was heartbreaking because my baby is still a baby, only 10 months old. Anyway, I wasn’t that worried because she was in good hands the whole time. Thank you to my ever supporting parents!

So, I will keep this post short for the time being. Hopefully I will get the time again to post about our trip, the next 3 weeks will be busy as hell again… too many things going on and I am having a hard time catching up!

Keep safe everyone!

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To daycare or not to daycare?

So last week my babysitter told me she’s planning to go home for good at the end of the year. I was happy for her because she hasn’t been home (Philippines) for 5 years.

5 years is way too long not to see your family. Btw, she’s a lesbian so she’s not married and don’t have children but she supports her nieces and nephews. Yes, she’s very matulungin and sometimes tanga coz I think her relatives back home only wants her padala. Every month, meron nasa hospital. Haaay!

Anyway, I am all for her going back home. She needs to be with her family and spend time with them. Told her it’s ok kasi baby S will be 14 months by that time, I think she can manage na to be left at daycare.

I do have some qualms about it though. In this part of the world, babies & children left at daycares are the norm since most people here are expats and likely both parents have full time jobs. There are so many day care facilities around the city, and if you really want the best of the best, you should be willing to pay between Qrs. 3,000-4,000 (37K-50K in pesos). Yes, sending your baby to a daycare will cost you an arm and a leg in this part of the world. There are also options which are in mid-range prices but I am assuming your child will be with 10 or more other children and I don’t know if I will be comfortable leaving my child playing with kids that many. Not to mention the risk of getting all kinds of viruses from other kids. Sorry but as a mother, I am very protective of my child especially when it comes to her health. The last thing I want to know is her contracting some kind of disease from other children.

I know there are downside of sending your child to a daycare and I’ve read and heard terrible things. What kind of mother leaves her precious baby to strangers in a daycare? Definitely not the kind of mother I wanted to be. But what choice do we have? I don’t want other mommies out there making me feel guilty of not being a SAHM. I am certain all mothers would prefer that IF the circumstances allow them to.

I’ve started scouting for daycare close to my workplace or our home. No luck! Ugh! Actually there is one at the 2nd floor of our office building but never bothered to inquire as I already know it is way out of our budget so it’s useless asking really. I still have 3 months to find a suitable daycare for baby S, hoping I will find a place where they actually care for your child and not just after your money.

I’ve also thought of just getting a replacement of my babysitter kasi I am more comfortable with a Kabayan, there will be no language barrier, will understand how I want my baby to be taken care of. It will also be less hassle as I don’t need to take baby to the daycare every morning and then pick her up in the afternoon after work. Whew, that is a lot of work! I will also have my peace of mind knowing my baby is in the comfort of our own home. But the biggest question is – Where will I get a replacement???? We originally wanted a stay-in helper and have tried to get one from Philippines but her visa was denied by the Immigration. My current babysitter was just recommended by someone and thankfully she’s not the typical yaya na laging bumabale or intrimitida. She’s not stay-in, she comes on weekdays only at 7am and wait until I get home between 4-6pm before she leaves. She does other odd jobs too on weekends and evenings after babysitting my baby. See, she’s very masipag kaya I’m a bit nanghihinayang din na aalis na siya.

So, that’s my dilemma at the moment and for the next 3 months until I find someone to look after baby S. if only I could afford to be a SAHM! Sigh!

Baby Blues

I honestly don’t know what to write for my 3rd post. So many things I want to share – parenting, party planning, money matters, health & wellness, baby poop haha! But for now I will settle with baby blues and PPD.

What are baby blues?

Just a few days after giving birth, you may feel moody, weepy and irritable. This is called the baby blues. It’s probably the last thing you expected to feel after the joy and elation of having your baby. The baby blues are so common that they are considered to be normal. As many as eight in 10 mums experience some changes in their mood after giving birth. You may feel:

  • worried about your baby’s health, even though he’s fine
  • anxious
  • unable to concentrate
  • tired, yet unable to sleep
  • tearful, without knowing why

Reference: Baby Centre (www.babycentre.co.uk)

The reality of parenthood had started to sink in when I left the hospital. My first 2 weeks at home was kasumpa-sumpa. Sorry for the term but it wasn’t all exciting, happy-happy, cuddle-cuddle moments like the ones you see in the movies. It was terrible, at least for me! I never felt so tired my whole life! My incision was f*ckin painful I couldn’t laugh, sneeze, cough! Like WTF!!!! Was struggling to breastfeed, no sleep, very hungry, no shower, endless changing of nappies, baby crying nonstop. OMG!!! I felt so helpless. I thought I was losing my mind! I was crying every single time. I was unhappy, I was so sad and tired every single day that there were times I was asking myself if I was a bad mother. I would cry and cry without any reason. I would cry while breastfeeding the baby or putting her to sleep, I would even cry while eating. Geez, PPD just got real!

This went on for 2 months. I didn’t think I will get used to being sleep-deprived, or with my very sore and cracked nipples, the smell of poop and vomit on my clothes and hair, not having a decent shower for days, expressing milk every 3-4 hours. Motherhood had taken its toll on me. The exhaustion was overwhelming and I was on the verge of insanity. Yes, I was going cray-cray!!!

But as days went by, things got better and I started to enjoy my little one. There is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel! Whew! I become more engaging, feeding time becomes more enjoyable, I find delight bonding with the baby. I stop doubting myself as a mother. I know i am not a perfect mom, but I always try to be a good one. I know my daughter will forgive me for yelling at her because she won’t stop crying in the middle of the night – sorry darling, it wasn’t your fault, it was the fatigue talking (or yelling). But this doesn’t mean I love my baby any less. Yes I did have moments that I want to give up and say “F*ck it, I am tired and I will sleep!” And I admit I still do have that moments once in a while. I still daydream about shower, food, and sleep. I still miss my “me-time” as the only me-time I do enjoy these days are the times when I take number two (sorry TMI haha).

Being a mother now, I realized that it IS indeed a lot of work. Your job as a mother never stops. It is a 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days full time job. I now understand the mothers who went through or are going through this baby blues or PPD. It is real, alarming and it is happening to almost 80% of all new moms. I’ve even read stories where mothers hurt themselves or their own child. Fortunately that didn’t happen to me. I went through that unhappy phase but my love for my baby is more than enough for me to fight it. Plus it is important to have a strong support group like your husband, partner, family, and friends. Talk to them if you need to. Let them know how you feel so they can help you to get through it. PPD is more serious, so if you think you are experiencing it and cannot handle yourself, please seek professional help. Don’t feel ashamed reaching out. Motherhood will drain you out – physically, emotionally and mentally. You will need all the help you can get, trust me.